Misery behind Beauty
Noise filled the darkness. Voices busy clamoring and chatting. Queries and commands filled my ears.
“Ma'am, were you okay?”
“What should we do now?”
“Let's just wait for her to be conscious again".
“Probably we should not flock here and it would be much better if we'll give ma'am Amira enough space and time to rest".
As I slowly and forcefully open my eyes, I already knew that it was our maid Loleng's voice who has uttered the last statement I heard. Oh aling Lolelng, our maid who has spent most of her life in taking care of me. She's already 54 years old, her hair was already turning to white and her slim body was already being covered by his crumpled fair skin, but she still makes sure that I'm okay all the time. “I'm glad that you already regained your consciousness my dear", Loleng said.
She then gave to me the glass of water she's handling and asked me to drink. I've just sipped. "What happened aling...”, I haven't yet completed my question but the living room was already filled with the shouting voice of my homosexual manager as he runs towards the sofa where I'm lying. Oh my manager, manager Athena who looks so beautiful like a real lady. "Oh welcome back Teen Idol 2012! Is sleeping beauty already fine? The sleeping beauty who fainted and suddenly collapsed in the middle of her photo shoot for Candy Magazine! Hahahaha", Athena said in cheerful but sarcastic tone.
I look at aling Loleng who was then at my back and asked, "Have I fainted and collapsed?" She just nods her hair and smiles a little as she combs my long silky hair. Athena then sits beside me, "oh yes my dear, all of us were shocked. Thank God that it's already 5:30 in the afternoon and most of the people including the media, photographers, and some fans were already gone. There are still some supporters who wait for you, but I already asked them to go home and try some other time in trying seeing you", Athena stated in much soft and caring tone.
Aling Loleng then stood up and got the glass on my hands and put it on the small table on the sofa. "You didn't take the intense hotness in the garden where your pictorial took place. Besides, there's also noisy crowd who even trespassed inside the mansion. Oh yes your mansion that amidst of its isolation and location in the heart of Siquijor, mob were still able to be here even though it's really tiring because it's meters away from the highway. Maybe you didn't manage the pressure that's why you suddenly lose your consciousness", aling Loleng added as she put the glass on a tray and walks towards the kitchen.
Athena then sits closer beside me, holds my hands and smiled. "I know that this won't be easy for you, now that you already have the crown, you are now a role model to you fellow teenagers. You are now a public figure. Now, your world won’t be any more circulate with just you, me, aling Loleng and your mother. There are already lots of people who would probably enter in your life. By the way, are you not going to hold a thanks-giving or a victory party? Your mansion is very suitable for it. It's three-story, has a pool, and very wide garden, so that you'll be able to meet friends", Athena stated in slightly serious manner.
I haven't spoken any word, aling Loleng suddenly came back and answered. "Party? Who would be then the visitors? Her friends? Are you kidding Athena?” I just then slowly focus my sight down on the floor. Silence reigned for a couple of seconds. Athena suddenly tapped my shoulder and sincerely apologized, "oh I'm really very sorry aling Loleng... and Amira. I don't mean it. I have just forgotten that you grew up Amira without any friends. But it doesn't mean that we can't celebrate, you can invite media people, some supporters and your co-contestants”. Loleng stared at me, I then get Athena's hand and hold it and say, "No, thank you, but I'm not fond of such celebrations. I think it would be much better for me to thank the real Man behind this success of mine. I'll just go to church and visit Him", and I ended my statement with a smile.
“Yes she's right, and I'll accompany her. Don't worry, I'll try to keep her conscious all through our visit, hahaha”, aling Loleng giggled as she wipes the tiny drops of water left on the table. Athena seems to be disappointed and he raised his left eyebrow. “Well, good luck to the mob girl”, he said. “Don't worry I'll manage”, I answered. “That's what wrong with you. That's why you can't experience genuine happiness. Yes you have everything, luxury, beauty, yes you are so beautiful. You are being idolized by many and every man's apple of the eye. You were blessed to have such beauty, kindness, and intelligence. But you don't have friends; you don't have any man in your life. A brother? A father? None! You're now a lady; you are already nineteen, why don't you try to accept suitors? Don't be anti-social my dear”, Athena said. I have fixed the sofa and sited properly and then answered in a very soft tone, “no I'm not, and I hope you understand”. Aling Loleng and Athena then stared at one of the CCTV cameras placed in one corner of the living room's ceiling. I know they got the idea that mother was probably watching us, and besides it was my mother who's behind all of these.
Athena then suddenly stood up, “it's getting darker now, and I still have a date, hahaha! I already called for a taxi and I guess the driver is already waiting outside. I have to go now”. That statement of Athena altered the mood. “I'll go now, I'll just call you some other time to remind you regarding your public appearances”, Athena added. “I'll accompany him outside and I'll close the gate afterward”, Loleng said. “Okay, go ahead, take care Athena”, I concluded.
As they walk towards the door, I already stood up. I decided to go upstairs and continue my rest on my room. As I step y foot forward, I have stared at the CCTV camera, I have thought of my mother. I have then undergone a snappy realization. I have realized that my mother was still unaffectionate to me. She wants me to be successful, to be always in the top that's why I have joined and struggle in the competition. Now that I already have the bacon, still, nothing has changed. She still remains an unloving mother to her sincere and loyal daughter.
The living room was so huge that's why it took me numerous steps to reach the staircase. I was about to step my foot towards it but I already heard Loleng, “are you already fine or you want me to accompany you?” “No, I can do this on my own”, I answered. “Okay, I'm about to prepare the dinner, later, after I have given your mother Adele's dinner at her room, I'll call you then to take yours okay?” she asked. “Okay, please do”, I answered. Loleng then walks towards the kitchen and started doing her job. I have said okay even if I'm not sure if I still want to take supper.
As I reached the second floor, I'm already tired due to the many steps I took. As I pass towards my mother's room, I've noticed that the door was slightly open. I took a glimpse inside and I saw my mother staring at the many monitors in front of her bed. There's also her white cat under her bed licking its tail. I have stepped my foot, but the cat noticed my presence and immediately went beside my mother. My mother then, Ms. Adele Samson, looked at the door and saw me, but she turned her head back without a second and stared at the crystal clear glass door on the balcony of her room where the leafy branches of our mango tree can be seen.
I have continued walking towards my room on the third floor. As I reached my room, I'm already tired. All I want is to have a rest, lie on my bed, and have a peace of mind. My ears then were being filled with silence and my sight was being covered by darkness.
The clock run so fast, someone has tapped my shoulder, it was our gardener telling me that breakfast was already prepared. I have then awakened myself from contemplating. I have said to the gardener that he should tell aling Loleng that I will take my breakfast later.
The sun shines so bright. It's 7:30 in the Tuesday morning. I continue walking on our backyard and went near the mango tree where lovely colorful flowers grow. I look up at the balcony at my mother's room. I have sighted my mother sitting on her wheelchair with her white cat on her lap. Aling Loleng then appears and moves the wheelchair towards inside the room and then closes the glass door. I have then stared at the flowers. These are the same flowers which I have seen on the altar when I have visited church last Sunday. It wasn't her who taught me about rosary, it was aling Loleng who has told me who is Jesus and what is a church. I have then produced a very deep sigh; I experience then a deeper realization. “That's what wrong with you. That's why you can't experience genuine happiness. Yes you have everything, luxury, beauty, yes you are so beautiful. You are being idolized by many and every man's apple of the eye. You were blessed to have such beauty, kindness, and intelligence. But you don't have friends, you don't have any man in your life. A brother? A father? None! You're now a lady; you are already nineteen, why don't you try to accept suitors? Don't be anti-social my dear!” These are Athena's statements which continuously stimulating my mind and echoing in my ears.
Someone has tapped my shoulder again. It was aling Loleng this time, “you haven't yet taken your breakfast my dear, what's bothering you?” she asked as she wipes my tears on my cheeks. I just then knew that I unconsciously cried. “It was mother, aling Loleng”, I answered. “Oh what's wrong with her? Why don't you talk to her and try to fix things?” she asked. “You don't understand! It won't help!” I aggressively replied in a very intense high note. But I immediately hug her and express my apology, “sorry, my nerves aling Loleng”. But she just caresses my back. “It's okay my dear. Calm down. She then escaped from my hug and holds my face with her two hands. “But you know? You are wrong. In fact, I do really understand you and I know what makes you suffer that way. I know that you are craving for a father. You are longing for a brother, you are thirsty for friends, and you want to feel the warmth of your mother's love”, she said as if she's a teacher talking to her nursery student.
I have turned my back and faced at the mango tree. “I'm already a lady now, but I can't still have freedom. Since child, I always follow what my mother wants me to. Yes she wants me to be successful; she wants me to be always on top. I haven't put anything in my attention but just studies. She wants me to be successful. Yes, that’s why I have joined “Teen Idol 2012”, but nothing has changed. I already want to meet friends, to have a partner in life. But I'm afraid to. She told me not to have intimate relationship to anyone except to the people in this house. I can't still forget when once I have disobeyed her during my childhood days. She told me to go home straight after classes, but I decided to play with my classmates, I went home just an hour late on our agreed time that I should be at home. She scolded me! She beat me! I'm really so scared. Yes I am. I cried so loudly and even insisted that I didn't do anything wrong. I even told her that if father is still alive. I'm sure that he won't let me cry due to her hands. But this made things worse. She told me that my dad has already gone and he would never come back. She even asked me to act in accordance to her wills. Yes, just to her wills. She then forcefully pushed me. I was already about to fall on the staircase but thank God that you were there and you saved my life aling Loleng. That was the last time I've talked to my mother with sense. That was the first time I saw her acted so angrily and scary. That was the last time she acted as an active mother. Since then, for the next coming days, she remained silent, just staying on her room and always facing the monitors in front of her bed. And I know the fact that she's always observing my acts. Maybe there are also cameras here watching us. I don't know. I'm not sure”.
“I know all of those things, you don't have to narrate such”, Loleng uttered as she walks towards in front of me, wipes my tears, then hugs me. “You don’t have to remain mute, as what you've said, you are already a lady. Maybe it's already about time for you to take the initiative. Destroy the barrier between you and your mother. Talk to her and confess your sentiments. Don’t let days run without attempting to confront her. But for now, stop crying my Teen Idol. Let’s come inside and have your breakfast okay?”, aling Loleng added. I just smiled then we already walk towards inside the house then I already ate.
Afterwards, I was already about to go to my room for me to seek clothes which I could wear on my public appearances as a Teen Idol. But the idea of talking to my mother dominated my mind. Oh yes, unconsciously, I already have seen my feet stepping towards my mother's room. My hands hold the door knob. I slowly open the door. But I haven't seen my mother on her bed nor her white cat, just the many monitors previewing the scenes on our mansion through the use of CCTV cameras placed all over our house.
Suddenly, I have heard a creepy noise coming from my mother's bathroom. But I stayed where I am and focus my sight on the door which then suddenly opens. It was my mother who appeared. I was shocked upon seeing her and she can already stand. She was able to go to the bathroom without the use of her wheelchair and assistance of aling Loleng.
Mother Adele then smiled at me as if she's an infant staring at her mother. I don't know what to say, I really don't know. It took us time to speak a word, we cherished the moment looking on each others' eye. But I suddenly noticed the red stain on the bathrooms floor. It seems that it's blood. It looks like blood. Oh yes, it was blood. My heart then beats so fast. I don't know what to think. I don't know what going to happen next. I really don't know.
Mother then walks slowly and softly. I'm wondering what she'll do. She then showed her left hand which she was hiding from her back since I've seen her. I was shocked upon seeing her that she's handling clothes which bathed from blood. At first, I wasn't able to figure out if what’s on her hand. But I was really surprised upon recognizing that it was aling Loleng's clothes. I have then asked myself if what happened to aling Loleng after she left me eating on our dining room and if it was really her clothes which mother was handling. Many things circulate on my mind. I was being bombarded thoroughly. I'm already being scared! Really sacred!
“Mother, since when you started standing on your own? Why you haven't informed us about it?” I've asked. “Aren't you happy for your mother my dear Teen Idol?” mother replied while she's smiling in a very sarcastic way. I experienced goose bumps upon hearing her reply. It was my first time to witness her acting that way. I've already realized that there's really something wrong happening around. “Why aling Loleng’s clothes were in your hand? Why? Why it is full of blood? Tell me mother why!” I've asked with full of courage.
For a couple of seconds, both of us remained mute and stable from where we are. But she suddenly smiled and answered in few words, “well, I killed her”. Her response echoed in my ears. Even though I do not yet believe on what my mother has said, my eyes were already being filled with tears. I immediately run towards the bathroom. And... I can't anymore explain the scene I've seen. All I’ve done was to cry loudly. Tears flowed on my cheeks. I’ve mourned. My knees lacked strength due to what I’ve witnessed. My knees kiss the floor full of blood. Later, I’ve just seen myself already bathing on my aling Loleng’s blood. Oh poor aling Loleng! Pitiful aling Loleng! “aling Loleng, oh aling Loleng. Why?! Why mother?! Why you’ve done such crime? Why to the one who even acted as a real mother to me? Why? Tell me why”, I’ve asked while I’m still staring at my cold and pale dead body of my beloved aling Loleng.
I was already about to stand but mother immediately runs towards me and kicks my back which made me lie again on the floor. But I’m already bursting from intense madness. All I can feel is just hatred. My mind was already contaminated. I was already polluted to the extent that I want to take revenge in the name of my best friend and mother aling Loleng and for myself. For all the things I haven’t experienced due to my intense love for my mother, love which now transformed into anger and hatred.
I stand fiercely and push my mother forcefully. She lied on her bed due to the intense force. But she still manages to stand up immediately and slap me. But I remained firm and strong on my stand. I can feel the blood flowing on my lips. But there’s no pain from it, just the pain which my heart feels due to the disappointments circulating in my head.
I slap my mother back, “why mother? Why?” I simply asked. Her face then suddenly painted a serious, sad, and worried image of a mother. “Because I love my child”, she simply answered in whispers. “No mother! No! You didn’t love me! If you do, why let me suffer throughout my life? I’m so sorry, but I never felt that you’re a mother to me. I can’t understand! I really can’t understand”.
For a couple of minutes, we were both quite. All we can here is just the noise made by the dancing leafy branches of our mango tree. But the silence has finally broken when my mother has started talking. “Amira, I love you the way I loved your father and brother”. I was shocked upon hearing the word brother. I was just about to ask her if I really have a brother but I wasn’t able to do so. She can’t be stopped from talking. “Yes you’ve heard it correctly. Yes you have a brother. And I really loved him. Let me then tell you the real story behind our family. I was just 22 years of age then when I met your father, my beloved Edgardo. It didn’t took us long to have a child. Just within two years of being together, I was already able to give birth to our first child, your brother, my beloved Jorge. Years passed by, Edgardo discovered the black secret of my family. Yes, we do have a black secret. I came from a family of witches and wizards. Yes we are. But we haven’t hurt anyone. I know it’s really hard to believe. Edgardo even knew that my whole clan was killed due to the massive killings have done by the city people. Yes they have killed my family. They’ve viewed us as if we’re pest in the community. It was just me who has survived from that massacre. I manage to escape from their eyes. But your father got mad upon knowing that scared secret of mine. He decided to leave me. Yes, your father and brother, they left me alone even Edgardo knew that I was pregnant that that time in our second child. And it was you Amira. Yes! They left us! I really loved them. I really did. But they just left me. Nothing I can do but just to mourn and suffer from grief. I bear in my mind that I will never be alone in this world. I told myself that when the time has come that you will be able to walk and breathe the polluted air of this globe, I will never let you to leave me. You and I forever until I die, yes until I die. I’m afraid that when the time has come that you will be discovering my chaotic past, you might also leave me. That’s why I’ve warned you not to have intimate relationship with anyone except with the people in this house. I even pretended that I was already disabled for you not to leave me and just take care of me. And about aling Loleng? Yes, I killed her! Because I knew that she would be a hindrance on my plans. She talked to me and even asked me to provide some freedom for you. But my mind was already rotten that’s why I cut her head. Yes I did. Now you know Amira. Now you know. I love you. I really do”.
Upon hearing my mother’s narration, I have visualized all of her sufferings. That pain that she felt due to being deserted by her loved ones. The sorrow that she has experienced after her family has been discriminated and killed by the community where they belong. Afterwards, I don’t know what to do next. I don’t know what feeling is reigning in my individuality. I don’t know if I can still be mad at my mother who killed my aling Loleng due to her fear of losing the most important of her possessions in her life, her daughter, me, Amira Samson. I’m already seeing myself walking towards the crying mother sited at her bed and I’m going to hug her. But she suddenly gets the small knife placed under her bed and cut her wrist. All of a sudden, I’ve already seen her body lying on the floor. I’ve run towards her and hugged her body. But I can already feel that her heart wasn’t beating anymore.
I have then produced a very deep and long sigh. I haven’t expected that all of such could happen so immediate in just a short span of time. I’m really disappointed on how the story of my life flows. Why everything has to end in having two important people in my life dead? Why? Oh why? I’m already tired of thinking. I already got rid of the numerous questions circulating in my bombarded head. My body already lacks strength to end the day with my eyes open. Yes, my body was already surrendering itself on the floor. I’ve then lied and closed my eyes. I have left again the world of reality and entered the world of darkness…
